Recalibrating…

I feel like I should leave a trigger warning and probably and apology on this one.

But I’ve always been a pretty open book, I can’t hide my RBF and I’m horrible at lying, so I felt like I owe everyone an explanation especially if you’ve talked to me in person recently…

Please don’t get me wrong I’m not coming from a place of being ungrateful or complaining (well maybe a little but it’s not my intent). I know thousands of women would love to be pregnant right now-and I know how horrible that feels because I was one of them.

Growing up I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I wanted to have kids really young, 2 in fact, 4 years apart. But if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. So here we are married 7.5 years “trying” for a baby off and on for the majority of those 7.5 years… questions, miscarriage, and the dreaded “infertility” label I could never full accept. So for the last year or two I’ve been busy convincing myself, as I got older, ugh, how great life is without a kid or responsibilities. Hakuna Matata and all that jazz.

When we found out I was pregnant I was excited and now that excitement has turned to straight fear. Granted it’s been a little dramatic having to move practices 4 times before even actually seeing a dr… I won’t spare the drama: my regular obgyn was overbooked and didn’t let me know until they had me come in for a $15 pregnancy test and told me someone would call me… when they finally did to tell me they couldn’t take me-I found out later because were next to a military town and they shut down their ob department so even established patients got kicked out… after about 20 different calls with no one taking new patients my options were a health department or a midwife an hour away, who would let me know in a few if I could get in… so I got sent to the health department, who told me they could see me until 28 weeks then I would have to go to a bigger hospital because I was high risk for the rest of my pregnancy… which was two hours away… and I would need to get there for delivery. Also the hospital is so backed up. They couldn’t get me in for an ultrasound until my second trimester… Not a great option, especially with a history of miscarriage that my body didn’t recognize it showed no heartbeat on an ultrasound at 12 weeks last time… but at least I was in somewhere… Then I received a call saying the midwife could take me as an at home birth-I’m a little crazy I don’t like doctors or medical intervention until necessary so cool-but they needed $4000 over insurance and a decision within 24 hours… which is freaky not even seeing a doctor… but ok… seems like a better bet at least I could get seen…. Then after the health department got my blood work they made a call to my regular ob to get me back in there and let me know they told my regular ob “I needed to be there…” quite troubling again as I haven’t seen a doctor… but I was transferred back over there because at this point well I’m pretty much freaking out.

Where were we? Ah yes again I’m in integrative health, I know nothing about babies, but I do know about hormones and what your body needs to get balance in order to be healthy for a baby. I also now know that I was able to reverse PCOS- for me I never really had the symptoms just showed hi androgens cysts all over my ovaries- I was able to get the testosterone back down and get my progesterone levels.l where they needed to be. Not sure about the cysts because the doctors didn’t feel the need to check on an ultrasound-I run my own labs- but now I know it’s freakin best lie to your doctors one because if they ask you what meds you take- and you don’t include supplements because supplements are not a prescription… Then you are wrong… and the doctors office does not like that. Sheesh… also, since you have a history of PCOS, you get to take an early glucose test which means you have to drink the nasty gluecola stuff full of artificial flavors and dyes in your first trimester… any other options even though you’re completely nauseous all the time are off the table… Even orange juice, which I still don’t really drink, but you know I was better with trying to find an organic orange juice, then artificial flavors and dies and all of this other crap… even though LabCorp will except it… The doctors office won’t… but great news they do have an orange flavor which taste like a flat orange soda… grosssss… again I’m pretty good with blood sugar but I’m pretty concerned with the fact that my body is not gonna know how to handle this chemical crap storm I don’t really don’t wanna feel good test, which I think I have to do later again during that “normal time of pregnancy” anyways…

I digress… that’s just the doctors offices side of it… (I will say the actual dr was great, it’s the policies I have a problem with other people everyone is just trying to do their jobs- this is why I avoid the doctor it’s sick care, not healthcare)

And again, I digress… so here we are… second trimester and maybe it’s these hormones of mine but instead of emotional, I’m emotionless-other than easy to piss off… I blame lack of sleep… and I seem to have lost my filter… oops.

So granted I just hit the second trimester and again trying not to complain but this flat out sucks. I don’t want to say I hate it, but dang, when you hear everyone talk about how wonderful pregnancy is and how amazing with second trimester is I feel like I’m being lied to. Also “enjoy it” is the worst thing you can say to someone… like is having a kid this bad that this is enjoyable??? Again last time I was pregnant. I had no symptoms so I wasn’t expecting things to be this bad… again not complaining just being real. I’ve dealt with chronic back pain so I was prepared for not doing anything the last month or two but I got hit hardddd with all day morning sickness that’s still hitting hard (as I’m laying on the couch with a migraine) and yes I’ve tried all the things (sour stuff does help some but not functional level…) on top of acid reflux and heart burn starting like week 7/8 where iffff I not to nauseous to eat I can barely breathe because of the heartburn… and forget sleeping… between pain, the weirdddd dreams and waking up to pee 3x a night it just doesn’t happen so I’m exhausted but life doesn’t stop when you’re pregnant… errands, all the cooking and cleaning, laundry and dishes are still piling up… on top of 2 puppies one of which is potty training (side note apparently there’s something to getting a new pet and getting pregnant… I will say I had just embraced crop tops and booked a cruise so maybe it was the trifecta of deciding to live life…) oh all on top of running a business…

Again grateful I can hit camera off on zoom, thank goodness because the cystic acne that recently started up has really been made me feel great about myself on top of my hair that I would love to get bleached and the being so bloated I can barely breathe and sitting in a desk chair all day sucks when your nauseous… oh plus the cold I got a few weeks ago where you can’t take anything… granted I don’t usually but on top of all the other I might have caved…

But seriously today before 10 am I already had a “oh look you popped” and “you look bigger” and “let me see your bump” to “how far along are you? You don’t have a bump” on top of the usual traumatic birth stories, I’ve already grown accustomed to hearing… and the of course “enjoy it” and “the second trimester is better” lie I’m still holding out hope for…

Also… Let me just add that I posted an old dry brushing info video and my “bump” was commented on on Facebook and IG within minutes… no friends I apparently was just fat… so now not only do I feel and look like crap now, apparently I looked pregnant when I didn’t hate looking in the mirror… 

Sigh… no I’m not mad at anyone, everyone really does mean well and are trying to help-except maybe the glucose test people idk about them… and I truly am appreciative of everyone. I know most moms to be prob love the bump comments and blah blah blah. I just hate life right now…  I know I’m the end it will be worth it… but right now while I don’t really even feel pregnant… just bloated, exhausted and overwhelmed try to get it all done before baby comes… side note I haven’t shed a tear but baby registry might be the straw that breaks the camels back.. especially trying to be as non toxic and cost effective as possible researching everything because I’m already terrified I’m going to screw this kid up so let’s not add a toxic load to all that… oh plus all the healthier baby registries people told me to google when I asked where did people go are from like 2018/2019 and if it’s still available is there something better?! Like I have so many questions, glass bottles or stainless steel. What brand do you need the anticolic ones the glass ones break I’d rather see things clear and they’re so freaking expensive which brand don’t wanna go with the wrong one… What about the organic nursing pillows? Do they actually stay or should I go for the one stays on that’s toxic. I mean your kids on it all the time. Actually gentle nursery is the best resource I’ve found after an almost 12 hour rabbit holes…

Maybe it’s the fact that I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I was around a baby and all of my friends and family with little ones are a day away… maybe it’s fear failure,… maybe it’s because I didn’t even want to  tell anyone I was pregnant because I knew I just wasn’t able to fake it… I guess it’s because I really do wish I was excited… 

But anyways again I’m grateful to be pregnant and I’m grateful for everyone’s one well wishes and help… I’m just struggling to recalibrate-trying to get everything done, being nauseous and exhausted… while hating myself not just for what I see in the mirror but for not being more happy and enjoying this time like I’m supposed to….

So maybe if my rant (oops…) makes one other gonna be mama feel a little better about feeling less horrible about herself, hopefully you will at least know you’re not alone… and again and P.S. if this is you manganese is the material mineral and I’m not finding it to help… maybe the oxytocin will kick up later or something… here’s to hoping because I’ve tried to fix everything wrong with me :/

Sincerely,

I’m truly sorry I’m struggling and letting everyone else