“Hanging in there”
Sigh…
Pregnancy hormones…
I’ve received to many messages after recent posts I feel like it’s only fair to take this blog on a bit of a personal journey… again…
Once again this is not meant to sound like I’m complaining-just to let all the other women out there know they aren’t alone… because knowing that has helped me so much.
It’s funny how you want something soooo bad for soooo long and you finally get it and it hurts, hard, and it hurts hard because it hurts…
Most days I swear I feel like I have two heads. I look at my life and it’s even better than I could have ever thought or even imagined and I’m like wow God you are sooooo good (I’m not going to tell you allll the million things I’m grateful for because you would probably tell me to shut up-I would tell me to shut up haha). But then that other head gets in the way saying then why can’t you get it together, why are you so miserable… why aren’t you happy… why are you so ungrateful… talk your self out of it… suck it up… And here lies the struggle, struggling to be happy when you know you’re happy but can’t seem to be happy.
Yes the hormones-usually I’m feisty, a little spicy spit fire, full of sarcasm and sass and I find being told no a challenge and flat out won’t accept it. Yes the morning sickness, headaches, sciatica, not being able to sleep, fatigue and now this new costeochondritis where I get sharp stabbing pain in my chest because my ribs have already started to flare out, has been a struggle, and so has gaining weight-yes I know it’s good-I just though I would be cute pregnant not look like I went to a Taco Bell bean burrito buffet… but dang with these head games.
I refuse to identify with anxiety and/or depression and I know it’s literally just my hormones out of whack and it will get better-when I took birth control a decade ago for endometriosis pain I had to quit because I wanted to drive my car off a bridge-not normal and I knew it wasn’t me, and was fine immediately after getting off, the last time I was pregnant the head games were strong too (and post miscarriage) but it was smack in the middle of the pandemic but I remember sitting on the floor in a panic/anxiety attack just shaking… but again back to my spunky self there after.
This time I just feel like I can’t function I just have no motivation or drive-I literally just want to cry but I’m not a crier so idk what to do with myself… but what I think I’m struggling with the most-coupled with the struggling with struggling- is where is God in all this-still praying, still reading my bible, still trying but I feel like he’s abandon me, yet I know-with that one normal head lol-he will never leave me for forsake me…
So I feel like I’m falling and failing miserably. Failing at all he’s blessed me with, failing as a coach/teacher/full on nerd in the career I love so very much, failing as a friend, failing as a wife, failing as a Christian and as a mother already even though this kid isn’t even born yet… I feel like I’ve already failed this blessing and gift I so desperately wanted…
But enough of my sob story, yet again, I don’t have the answers maybe one day I’ll follow up with a blog about how God worked this all out-not because I don’t think he will, just because I’m kinda bad at blogging-actually I’m on a flight so I had time to kill haha.
But wherever you are in your pregnancy, motherhood, marriage, waiting for a spouse, dealing with defeat or maybe even depression, health struggles or whatever cards life has dealt you. Please know I’m the voice of not pretending everything is perfect but still know God has a plan, even when he feels a million miles away but struggling to see and/or accept (I’m not really sure where I am to be honest..) his plan. Know you’re not alone.
